


life after love

by Anonymous



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Behind the Scenes, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Fix-It of Sorts, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27417190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Richard yells 'cut', and Jensen is wrenched out of Dean's mindset, jaw set and frowning as he processes the scene. Reading it in the script is never the same as acting it out. Misha had done an incredible job, effortlessly summoning tears to his eyes and making the confession the fans had been waiting eleven seasons for.God, has it really been that long?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jensen Ackles/Misha Collins
Comments: 16
Kudos: 35
Collections: Anonymous





	life after love

**Author's Note:**

> No matter what your thoughts were on S15E18, you must have been curious as to how the actors felt when Destiel finally became canon. Here's a short Cockles story to numb the pain - hope you enjoy!

_ “But I think I know- I think I know now. Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.”  _

_ “What are you talking about, man?” _

_ “I know- I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive, you’re angry and you’re broken, you’re daddy’s blunt instrument. And you think that hate, and anger, that’s what drives you. That’s who you are.” _

_ “It’s not.” _

_ “And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love, that is who you are. You’re the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless , loving human being I will ever know. You know- ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of hell- knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack - but I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.”  _

_ “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” _

_ “Because it is. I love you.” _

_ “Don’t do this, Cas. Cas.” _

_ “Goodbye, Dean.” _

* * *

The special effects would be added in later, but Jensen could imagine them as if they were real. A portal to the Empty, writhing and black. The incessant sounds of the Shadow, clanging and screeching for Castiel to be taken. 

Richard yells 'cut', and Jensen is wrenched out of Dean's mindset, jaw set and frowning as he processes the scene. Reading it in the script is never the same as acting it out. Misha had done an incredible job, effortlessly summoning tears to his eyes and making the confession the fans had been waiting eleven seasons for. 

_God, has it really been that long?_

Jensen feels drained and tired. 

Misha's ever the joker, but he seems uncharacteristically hesitant to approach, standing around awkwardly and throwing occasional glances in Jensen's direction.

Jensen sighs, and finally finds the courage to raise his eyes up to his colleague. "You okay?" he offers.

Misha perks up. "Yeah. Well. That was pretty intense." 

He grins.  Jensen tries to return it, uneasy and unsure. Around them, the set bustles, runners back and forth through loud discussions over lighting and audio. 

Intense is definitely one word for it. Jensen has always found the 'shipping' side of the fandom to be a little strange and uncomfortable. He understands it comes with the territory, but you'd have to admit that Supernatural is particularly notorious for this kind of thing. And he's been here for a long, long time. He used to believe he'd become accustomed to it, but judging by the queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, that's never going to happen. 

Misha nudges him. Jensen tries not to flinch, but he sees the flash of hurt in Misha's eyes. "What's wrong?" he asks, his face the picture of concern. 

Jensen looks down at the ground, struggling to find the right answer. "I just..."

"Is it the scene?" 

Jensen swallows, shaking his head. He looks imploringly at Misha. "I just hate all this gay stuff, okay?"

Misha sighs, disapproving. They've always clashed on this particular issue. Jensen ignores him and rambles on. "I'm sick of being the poster boy of the world's gayest show. I'm sick of seeing my face stuck onto gay porn stars. I'm sick of Googling myself and finding fanfiction about me and Jared fucking each other in the ass. I'm sick of being tagged on Twitter by people with usernames like 'DestielForever' and 'CocklesShipper2008'. I kind of wish it was illegal to be gay so these people would shut the fuck up."

Misha stares at him.

"What?" snaps Jensen. "So none of that stuff makes you uncomfortable at all?"

"Sometimes. But not because it's gay, Jensen. I'm not homophobic."

"Well I _am._ Okay? I hate queers. And I don't want to be immortalized on screen as a fag."

Disgusted, he storms away. He feels the cast and crew's eyes following him out of the room, but he doesn't stop to turn around. Misha always goes out of his way to pretend he's an ally to LGBTQUIAXYZFQ3 people, and it's so fake and shallow. 

Or maybe it's not. Maybe Misha is one of them. Maybe he's been in love with Jensen this whole time, and that would explain why he was able to conjure up so much emotion for that stupid gay scene. "I love you"? What? Men don't _love_ each other. Not real men, anyway. 

When the episode finally airs, he hides himself away in his bedroom and resolutely tries not to look at his phone. Every two seconds, it lights up with another Twitter mention. Why can't people just leave it alone? Gays are allowed to marry, now, so what more do they want? Why are they so obsessed with correlating Jensen's career to the gay rights movement? Do none of them have lives, or jobs? His heartrate starts to pick up in his building rage. He's so exhausted by all this social justice crap, he just wants out. 

"Destiel is number one on trending," Danneel says cheerfully. "Oh, and Georgia just turned blue!"

Jensen throws his phone across the room. 


End file.
